Today I spent a good chunk of my time trying to stomach my way through the NHL's Trade Deadline special on TSN. Now, my idea was to just take notes during the day and post my thoughts of how ridiculously funny these guys were taking this and just share my thoughts with my very limited circle of readers. But this was more than painful. When I woke up I sort of regretted my decision to tell people that I had planned on doing this, because I realized I would have to spend a very large portion of time feeding into what I despised. While I was watching all of the action unfold though I can't help but wonder what kind of coverage any of the big non-championship game coverage these things get by ESPN. I know the NFL does run footage of what is going on at the draft combine, but what else are they going to fill programming time with? It probably generates ratings, but not on the level the three all-sports networks in Canada manage for their trade coverage. The NFL combine is really the only thing I can manage to think of that generates ridiculous coverage for something that in the end probably does matter. Yeah, Chris Johnson was fast in last years combine and generated some hype about himself by his quick time in the 40, but the guy is talented. When the sports networks cover the trade deadline these guys are nothing more than TMZ in that most of the excitement is just generated by rumour and inuendo and the possibility that your team MAY be a little better suited to make a run. But this is no different from any other sporting leagues trade deadlines that get no more than a brief little mention on the ticker when the trade is processed by the leagues office.
Yes, this was a direct ripoff of ESPN.com's Bill Simmons column where he took notes on the NHL Draft a few years ago, but whatever. I'm sure Bill doesn't even know the NHL has a trading deadline and wouldn't mind me taking some creative liberties with his idea. Here is my running log of what I endured, even coming in an hour and a half late after the coverage had started.
12:27 - This is about an hour in and this whole day seems to have a very pathetic sort of feel to it. I'm glad I chose not to watch this in it's entirety because the lead guy on TSN seems to be really depressed. They're watching the Maple Leafs practice right now and Corey Woron has a "source" telling him information. This guy is hanging out at some empty arena and I'm to believe that the guy who drew the short straw is actually getting important e-mails on his blackberry?
12:35 - The big hype today surrounds Phoenix Coyotes forward Olli Jokinen possibly being traded. James Duthie is the MC of this joyous ceremony and already looks bored. He woke up expecting Christmas and got Kwanza. He throws it it to the "Trade Breakers" who all talk about the breaking rumours they're getting in on their Blackberry's about the Jokinen trade. Apparently, like most Blackberry users, they'd prefer to ignore the people (in this case a camera) infront of them and just play with their phones. Duthie calls up Farham Lalji who is giving us updates on the Canucks... he has nothing to say of any relevance.
12:38 - They cutoff Farham to break a trade that Steve Montador (I don't know who he is) has been traded for... oh wait, Blackberry boys have news on Jokinen so they stop talking about Montador. Poor guy. When Montador watches his TiVo tonight he'll find out he didn't even get 15 seconds of their time.
Turns out Jokinen has been traded to the Calgary Flames. They throw it to four guys I've never seen or heard of before and they commence talking about what a deal this is for Calgary. After 10 minutes I notice how this is worse than NBC's "Football Night in America." There are a dozen guys in studio, none of them with anything interesting to say. It appears all of them love the trade for both sides, but none give any insight into why this helps one club or the other for reasons other than finances and how this works against the cap. I get in inclination that these guys need to read a few newspapers before they can put together words on exactly how these things help in terms of how the game will actually be played.
Turns out Jokinen has been traded to the Calgary Flames. They throw it to four guys I've never seen or heard of before and they commence talking about what a deal this is for Calgary. After 10 minutes I notice how this is worse than NBC's "Football Night in America." There are a dozen guys in studio, none of them with anything interesting to say. It appears all of them love the trade for both sides, but none give any insight into why this helps one club or the other for reasons other than finances and how this works against the cap. I get in inclination that these guys need to read a few newspapers before they can put together words on exactly how these things help in terms of how the game will actually be played.
12:54 - They come back from break and James Duthie appears to have received a B-12 shot. This went from Kwanza, to a crappy Christmas where at least you opened up one good gift after opening up four boxes filled with ugly sweaters.
Obligatory Leafs mention in how they picked up Martin Gerber off of waivers because Vesa Toskala is out for the rest of the season. A single tear rolled down his face.
Obligatory Leafs mention in how they picked up Martin Gerber off of waivers because Vesa Toskala is out for the rest of the season. A single tear rolled down his face.
1:05 - Dutch comes in and gives the rundown of the non-stop excitement of the day. Not really. After running down the half dozen trades that have happened thus far, he seems very close to issuing a formal apology for those who called in sick to work today.
Dutch throws it to the three "Trade Breakers" who basically say the same things about Jokinen the other four guys just said. The words "we almost forgot about the Maple Leafs" were uttered. Thank god they gave the Leafs a shout out, I almost changed the channel. One by one each start looking down at their Blackberrys and they just sort of fade off without any real conclusion.
Dutch throws it to the three "Trade Breakers" who basically say the same things about Jokinen the other four guys just said. The words "we almost forgot about the Maple Leafs" were uttered. Thank god they gave the Leafs a shout out, I almost changed the channel. One by one each start looking down at their Blackberrys and they just sort of fade off without any real conclusion.
1:08 - Yes, Matthew Barnaby is on! A guy who reaffirms the notion that you don't need to have talent to be on television. He is joined by two other cast members I haven't seen and Pierre McGuire. Barnaby likens himself to Jokinen and how they are both reformed "bad apples." Barnaby neglects to mention his own lack of ability and Jokinen's talent being two things that make them the furthest thing from the word 'similar.' They cut to Edmonton's practice where they talk about Calgary. Makes sense.
1:22 - Nothing of note has happened in an hour so they decide to give the other fourteen guys in the studio time to think of an original thought by throwing to Pierre McGuire standing with Dutch. Pierre is wearing a suit bought at a Big and Tall store, when he may be no more than 5'8 and 155 lbs.
1:24 - Oh shit, I spoke too soon! Mark Recchi has been traded to Boston. McGuire is babbling about some bullshit. At this point I figure I'm going to go wake myself up. Walk around a bit, maybe grab a bite to eat. I seriously have been watching this for an hour and can't tolerate listening to these idiots anymore.
2:38 - I gave it an hour. Had a piece of pie, read a chapter of a book, had a shower. Turns out Bill Guerin was traded to Pittsburgh 40 minutes ago. I bet they spent the following 40 minutes talking about Sidney Crosby.
There are 20 minutes left in the deadline special and they're talking about Florida, as if anyone cares. They also see fit to give an obligatory shout out to the Leafs.
2:44 - Carcillo is traded from Phoenix to Philadelphia for Upshall. This was a bottle of Jolt Cola in the room. One of the guys I've never seen before likened Carcillo to Barnaby, what an insult to Carcillo.
Antropov is traded from the Leafs to the Rangers for picks. They talk about the Leafs a little more, and not how this helps or hurts the Rangers.
I booted over the ESPN.com for a minute to see what kind of coverage this thing is getting from the worldwide leader. Turns out they have three of the trades mentioned in their "top stories" box. Manny Ramirez resigned with the Dodgers and that is the lead story. Deservingly so, I say.
2:53 - They called up Bill Guerin and are asking him all the same questions you'd expect these guys to ask someone who's been traded. Bill Guerin has his NHL media book right next to him and says nothing interesting or insightful. This is an opportunity for him to spit out as many sports cliches as possible. He does not let me down.
2:59 - Derek Morris has been traded to the Rangers with three seconds to spare. CLUTCH! "More to come" we are told. The "Trade Breakers" are quiet as usual, apparently their Blackberrys are powered by their own sense of self-gratification they get from using them. If they put them down for any prolonged period, their Blackberrys WILL DIE!
They throw it back to Duthie and the other four guys I don't know. They're honestly spent a majority of the time talking to the most uninteresting pannel of them all. I can see Barnaby in the background smiling like he's trying to ruin someones family photo infront of Disney World.
Duthie tells us how this is the slowest trade deadline in the past decade as of right now. Half think it's the economy, half think it's the cap that have caused this.
They turn their attention to how the untold story of the day is Jay Bouwmeester of Florida has yet to be traded. Let's talk about non-stories more, please.
The four idiots start praising the Rangers for the Antropov move, finally. They fail to give any insight as to why this helps them, but praise Rangers management in a contest of "I know who this person is."
3:03 - Domenic Moore has been traded from the Leafs to a mystery destination. Turns out there were rumours that Ponikarovsky from the Leafs has been traded to Nashville, but they are UNTRUE! I don't see how on a day of rumours, a false one could possibly be floating around. Turns out that Moore has been traded to Buffalo for a second round pick. Both Antropov and Moore were traded for second round picks, meaning they are as good if not better than Matt Cassel.
Some guys from Anaheim were traded, but this is getting really boring and almost too much for me to stomach.
3:11 - The episode of Seinfeld where Puddy gets a job selling cars and George constructs the "Candy bar line-up" is on. TSN has thrown to a press conference by whatever Sutter brother is in charge in Calgary and I have officially tapped out. Call it Mike Goldberg, "IT IS ALL OVER!" This Sutter brother apparently offered the thimble of personality that his family has to all his brothers and took solice in the fact that he will just be the brain dead one. This is what beat writers and professional broadcasters are for. Summarizing what boring people have to say in something that your average person won't watch over Seinfeld reruns they've happened to see 300 times.
Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa was hooked on the Corey hotline and had to make it to midnight without calling? Well, I watched a large portion of this but I am still hooked on the Corey hotline. "Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Gory... story... allegory... montessori..."
Say what you will and maybe I just don't have the same appreciation for Rush and hockey that most of my peers have but I feel days like today should help prove a point that the hype simple does not match the end product. When all of your peers are telling you that you have got to see Transformers because it is an awesome movie, you can give them one response... no. No, it is not. You leave them to buy the DVD and wonder four months later why they wasted their money on it. Similarly, when a team makes the conference final and the same dozen dipshits are telling you about how this team knew what they had at the deadline and praise them for not making a deal, you'll know what an absoloute waste of time this whole thing was to begin with.
2:38 - I gave it an hour. Had a piece of pie, read a chapter of a book, had a shower. Turns out Bill Guerin was traded to Pittsburgh 40 minutes ago. I bet they spent the following 40 minutes talking about Sidney Crosby.
There are 20 minutes left in the deadline special and they're talking about Florida, as if anyone cares. They also see fit to give an obligatory shout out to the Leafs.
2:44 - Carcillo is traded from Phoenix to Philadelphia for Upshall. This was a bottle of Jolt Cola in the room. One of the guys I've never seen before likened Carcillo to Barnaby, what an insult to Carcillo.
Antropov is traded from the Leafs to the Rangers for picks. They talk about the Leafs a little more, and not how this helps or hurts the Rangers.
I booted over the ESPN.com for a minute to see what kind of coverage this thing is getting from the worldwide leader. Turns out they have three of the trades mentioned in their "top stories" box. Manny Ramirez resigned with the Dodgers and that is the lead story. Deservingly so, I say.
2:53 - They called up Bill Guerin and are asking him all the same questions you'd expect these guys to ask someone who's been traded. Bill Guerin has his NHL media book right next to him and says nothing interesting or insightful. This is an opportunity for him to spit out as many sports cliches as possible. He does not let me down.
2:59 - Derek Morris has been traded to the Rangers with three seconds to spare. CLUTCH! "More to come" we are told. The "Trade Breakers" are quiet as usual, apparently their Blackberrys are powered by their own sense of self-gratification they get from using them. If they put them down for any prolonged period, their Blackberrys WILL DIE!
They throw it back to Duthie and the other four guys I don't know. They're honestly spent a majority of the time talking to the most uninteresting pannel of them all. I can see Barnaby in the background smiling like he's trying to ruin someones family photo infront of Disney World.
Duthie tells us how this is the slowest trade deadline in the past decade as of right now. Half think it's the economy, half think it's the cap that have caused this.
They turn their attention to how the untold story of the day is Jay Bouwmeester of Florida has yet to be traded. Let's talk about non-stories more, please.
The four idiots start praising the Rangers for the Antropov move, finally. They fail to give any insight as to why this helps them, but praise Rangers management in a contest of "I know who this person is."
3:03 - Domenic Moore has been traded from the Leafs to a mystery destination. Turns out there were rumours that Ponikarovsky from the Leafs has been traded to Nashville, but they are UNTRUE! I don't see how on a day of rumours, a false one could possibly be floating around. Turns out that Moore has been traded to Buffalo for a second round pick. Both Antropov and Moore were traded for second round picks, meaning they are as good if not better than Matt Cassel.
Some guys from Anaheim were traded, but this is getting really boring and almost too much for me to stomach.
3:11 - The episode of Seinfeld where Puddy gets a job selling cars and George constructs the "Candy bar line-up" is on. TSN has thrown to a press conference by whatever Sutter brother is in charge in Calgary and I have officially tapped out. Call it Mike Goldberg, "IT IS ALL OVER!" This Sutter brother apparently offered the thimble of personality that his family has to all his brothers and took solice in the fact that he will just be the brain dead one. This is what beat writers and professional broadcasters are for. Summarizing what boring people have to say in something that your average person won't watch over Seinfeld reruns they've happened to see 300 times.
Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa was hooked on the Corey hotline and had to make it to midnight without calling? Well, I watched a large portion of this but I am still hooked on the Corey hotline. "Here are some words that rhyme with Corey: Gory... story... allegory... montessori..."
Say what you will and maybe I just don't have the same appreciation for Rush and hockey that most of my peers have but I feel days like today should help prove a point that the hype simple does not match the end product. When all of your peers are telling you that you have got to see Transformers because it is an awesome movie, you can give them one response... no. No, it is not. You leave them to buy the DVD and wonder four months later why they wasted their money on it. Similarly, when a team makes the conference final and the same dozen dipshits are telling you about how this team knew what they had at the deadline and praise them for not making a deal, you'll know what an absoloute waste of time this whole thing was to begin with.
It wasn't that I forgot about the goal. I just forgot about hockey.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awful sport.